Why your child cannot just calm down

Co-regulation comes before self-regulation.

The conversation we have most often

Whether a family is navigating neurodivergence, trauma or emotional challenges, one worry comes up again and again. "I just cannot get my child to calm down."

It is such a familiar feeling, and it points to something worth understanding, which is the difference between self-regulation and co-regulation.

Self-regulation and co-regulation are not the same thing

Self-regulation is the ability to manage your own emotions. It relies on the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain behind your forehead, and that is a very advanced piece of equipment. It does not develop fully until someone is in their twenties.

Co-regulation happens in a dyad, from the Greek word for two. It is how we regulate within a relationship, with the help of another person.

A child has not yet developed the ability to self-regulate. They can only get there in the context of a relationship with someone else, which is why co-regulation always comes first.

Children are not born able to calm themselves

It is worth saying plainly. The ability to self-regulate is not something a child arrives with. It is built through thousands of small connections with a trusted adult, usually a primary caregiver, repeated over and over.

When that skill develops is different for every child, and it depends on their early experiences and a great deal else. The best thing you can do is stay engaged in that process alongside them.

What is happening in the brain

Dr Dan Siegel's hand model of the brain is a simple way to picture it. Hold up your hand. Your wrist is the spinal cord and your palm is the brain stem. Fold your thumb into your palm and that is the limbic system, where emotion sits. Now fold your fingers over the top. Your fingers are the frontal lobe, and your fingertips are the prefrontal cortex.

When a child becomes dysregulated, or flips their lid as it is often described, the limbic system is activated and the fingers lift. They need the prefrontal cortex to settle that emotional system back down, and in a child that part of the brain is still being built.

Every calm moment you share with them is helping to build it.

Staying close is not indulging them

Parents often worry that being too close or too calm will make things worse, or that their child will never learn to cope alone. We hear that a lot, and the opposite is closer to the truth.

If someone were struggling in a swimming pool, you would not stand at the edge and shout at them to get themselves out. You would go in and help them, or throw them something to hold on to. You would talk about water safety afterwards.

It is the same idea here. A child in that state genuinely cannot hear you telling them to calm down. They need your help in the moment, and the conversation comes later.

What co-regulation looks like in practice

The premature version is familiar to all of us, because we are all human. "Go to your room and calm down, come back when you are ready." For some children that is very difficult. They are sent away to manage enormous feelings on their own, and what they often learn is not how to manage those feelings but how to suppress them.

The alternative is simpler than it sounds, though it is not always easy:

• Approach calmly
• Get down to their level physically
• Speak in a calm voice and lower your tone
• Offer reassurance
• Name the emotion they might be feeling
• Give them time to settle

That is really all it takes. Connection first, with you as the anchor.

Once they are calmer, in body as well as in mind, that is the moment to talk it through together and start thinking about what might help next time.

Parents need support with regulation too

This is hard, and it would be strange to pretend otherwise. Parenting can trigger something in us, and staying present through a child's biggest emotions asks a lot of you.

So your own regulation matters just as much. We all bring our own history into our relationships, and that is completely normal.

How we can help

We always look at a child as part of a system, so we think about what is happening in the wider family and beyond it.

Sometimes that means working with parents on their own, to think about what you find difficult in that relationship, what might be behind it and what would help you feel more regulated in those moments.

If any of this has resonated with you and you would like support for yourself or your child, please get in touch. We would love to hear from you.

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